Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Evolutia omului

Barbatul a descoperit ARMELE si a inventat VÂNATOAREA, femeia a descoperit VÂNATOAREA si a inventat BLANURILE Barbatul a descoperit CULORILE si a inventat PICTURA, femeia a descoperit PICTURA si a inventat MACHIAJUL Barbatul a descoperit LUMEA si a inventat CONVERSATIA, femeia a descoperit CONVERSATIA si a inventat BÂRFA Barbatul a descoperit JOCURILE si a inventat JOCUL DE CARTI, femeia a descoperit JOCUL DE CARTI si a inventat DATUL ÎN CARTI Barbatul a descoperit AGRICULTURA si a inventat MÂNCAREA, femeia a descoperit MÂNCAREA si a inventat DIETA Barbatul a descoperit FEMEIA si a inventat SEXUL, femeia a descoperit SEXUL si a inventat DURERILE DE CAP Barbatul a descoperit COMERTUL si a inventat BANII, femeia a descoperit BANII ... si s-a DUS NAIBII TOTUL!

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Scrisoare

Tatal intra in camera fiicei sale si gaseste o scriosoare pe pat. Avand deja ganduri negre, desface totusi scrisoare si citeste:

Dragi parinti,

Cu parere de rau va anunt ca eu am fugit cu noul meu prieten. Am aflat ce inseamna adevarata dragoste si el este un dragut cand gonim goi cu motorul cu toate piercing-urile, cicatricele, tatuajele care ii acopera tot corpul! Dar nu e numai asta. Sunt insarcinata si Ahmed zice ca vom trai fericiti in rulota lui din padure. Vrea sa avem multi copii, ceea ce stiti ca imi doresc si eu. Am invavat ca marijuana nu face rau nimanui asa ca o crestem pe langa casa pentru el si prietenii lui care ne aduc toata cocaina pe care ne-o dorim. Intre timp ne rugam sa se gaseasca leacul pentru SIDA, in asa fel incat sa se faca si Ahmed bine. Sa stiti ca merita ! Nu va faceti griji in ceea ce priveste banii. Ahmed a aranjat ca eu sa joc int! r-un film pe care il fac prietenii lui Leroy si Jamal in pivnita. Deocamdata castig 50 $ pe scena, dar pot sa iau inca 50$ bonus daca sunt cu 3 barbati si un bonus de 100 $ daca se foloseste un cal. Ahmed a zis ceva si despre niste caini, asa ca am mai mult posibilitati.
Mama, sa nu-ti faci griji pentru mine, de acum am 15 ani si stiu sa am grija de mine. Dupa cum vezi eu si Ahmed ne-am gandit la toate! Intr-o zi o sa trecem in vizita pe la voi sa va cunoasteti nepoteii. Ahmed chiar se gandea sa-si puna un atas la motor ca sa putem veni cu toti o data!

Va pup pe amnadoi

Fiica voastra, Maria

PS : Tata, am glumit......... sunt la vecini, privesc la TV
Voiam doar sa iti arat ca sunt si lucruri mai rele in viata decat

SA PIARDA ROMANIA IN MINUTUL 90 DIN NOU !!!

Creier masculin

In creierul unui barbat se naste un neuron. Se uita in jur...pustiu si intunecat. "Iuuu-huuuu", striga. Nici un raspuns. "Iuuu-huuuu, e cineva?" Nimic. La un moment dat, din intuneric apare alt neuron: "Ce dracu faci aici singur? Hai jos, ca acolo suntem toti!"

Tratament

O masina se loveste brutal de o caruta. In urma accidentului calul si carutasul sunt raniti destul de grav. Politistul vine la fata locului si vazand calul chinuindu-se, intr-un acces de mila, il impusca. Apoi se indreapta catre carutas cu pistolul in mana si il intreaba:
-Si dumneavoastra sunteti ranit?
-Nu, nu! Doamne fereste, asa de bine nu m-am simtit niciodata!...

Comparatie

- Ioane, cumparatu-ti-ai masina?
- Cumparat, Vasîi!
- Ce culoare?
- Pai ma Vasîi, ai vazut ceriul la apusu' soarelui?
- Vazut-am!
- E, tot ase îi, numa' ca verde.

Limbi straine

Un barbat intra in magazinul de pantofi. Se uita ce se uita, si cere vanzatoarei sa ii arate o pereche de pantofi. Ii si inceaca. Vanzatoarea il intreaba:
- Cum sunt?
- Ma strang putin. - raspunde acesta.
- Incercati sa scoateti limba. - spune vanzatoarea.
- Thoth ma strangh phusin.........

Rautate la serviciu

Doi tipi la inchisoare. Primul intreaba:
- Cati ani ti-au dat?
- 15!
- Pentru ce?
- Am spart cateva geamuri la serviciu.
- Dar unde lucrai?
- Pe un submarin...

Valoare

Un cuplu se cearta in strada: "Iti voi demonstra ca nu valorezi nimic!" ii spune sotul sotiei, facand semn unui taximetrist si intrebandu-l:
"Cat imi luati pana la aeroport?
"Pana acolo va costa 300.000".
"Si cu sotia mea?"
"Tot atat."
"Vezi? Nu valorezi nimic!"

Cica nudaspaga.ro

Un vames este sunat la locul de munca si i se spune ca nevasta lui e cu un alt tip. Vamesul se urca in JEEP si se duce acasa. Cind ajunge, o intreaba pe sotie:
- Unde-i fraieru' ala?
- Cine? Vamesul incepe si cauta. Mai intii se uita sub pat.
- Nu-i nimeni.
Apoi cauta in bucatarie:
- Nimeni.
Apoi cauta in dulap. Acolo statea un tip cu 100 de euro in mina.
Vamesul ia banii si zice:
- Nimeni...

Foarte frig

In apartamentul unei familii care in iarna asta a cerut decuplarea de la centrala care furnizeaza energie termica si electrica, un reporter intreaba:
- Ce faceti daca va este frig?
- Ne stringem in jurul luminarii.
- Dar daca este foarte frig?
- Ne apropiem si mai mult de ea.
- Dar daca este ger cu temperatura sub -20 C?
- In acest caz, aprindem luminarea...

Interviu oriental

-Name?
-Abu Dalah Sarafi.
-Sex?
-Four times a week.
-No, no, no..... male or female?
-Male, female...... sometimes camel.......

Sadic rau

Doua babe in cimitir, pe bancuta.
-auzi? da tu cati ani ai?
-97
-si mai pleci acasa?

Ursul si melcul

Statea ursul acasa, in papuci, in fata semineului. La un moment dat: cioc-cioc-cioc. Sa da ursul jos din fotoliu, injurand printre dinti ca trebuie sa isi deplaseze fundul. Deschide usa, nimeni. Se uita in dreapta, nimeni. Se uita in stanga, nimeni. Se uita in jos: melcul. - Ursule, ursule, poti sa....?
Ursul, de acum nervos ca a trebuit sa se coboare din fotoliu, il ia si il arunca cat de departe poate. Trece o luna, trec doua, trec trei..... La usa ursului, iarasi se aude: cioc-cioc-cioc. Deschide ursul usa, la care melcul:
- Auzi ba, ce a fost cu faza de adineauri?!!

Tipic englezesc

sir: John,adu-mi te rog o portocala.
john: Desigur,Sir...
sir: John, portocala asta pute. Adu-mi te rog alta...
john: Desigur,Sir...
sir: John, si portocala asta pute! De unde dracu' le iei tu de put toate?!?!
john: No offence, Sir, dar cred ca ar trebui sa schimbati mana...

Vorbe mari

Ce-i greu nu e sa suporti coarnele .......ci so intretii pe vaca.
Daca esti in stare sa zimbesti cand ceva merge rau....... este pentru ai gasit un timpit pe care sa arunci vina.
Daca inca nai gasit persoana ideala...distreazate cu cea care o ai la indemina !!!
Nevasta e amica aceea care este mereu linga noi, sa ne ajute sa rezolvam marile probleme pe care nu leam fi avut daca n-am fi fost casatoriti.
Daca intro zi, femeia pe careo iubesti tie infidela si iti trece prin cap sa te arunci din balcon, aduti aminte ca: Doar ai coarne, boule, nu aripi.
Sexul e ca jocul de carti: daca nai o buna partenera, mai bine ai avea o mina buna
Femeile sunt ca traducerile: cele bune nus fidele, si cele fidele nus bune.
Daca intro zi simti un gol mare maninca, caci sigur tie foame.

Cel mai scurt banc rasist

Albul muta si castiga.

Excelent umor francez

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Overcoming his initial shock, he said to himself, "Ah, young love ... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers ... C'est magnifique!" He continued to watch, remembering good times.

Suddenly he gasped. "Mais ... Sacre bleu! Ze woman -- she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.

He arrived out-of-breath at the police station and shouted, "Jean! Jean, zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."

The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come, Henri, you are not so old: Remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."

"Mais non! You do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the police station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor.

"Pierre, Pierre ... this is Jean. I was in Gaston's field ... zere is a young couple naked aving sex," to which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural."

Jean, still out of breath, gasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!"

"Mon dieu!" Pierre exclaimed. The doctor grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.

He walked inside, smiled patiently and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British."

Arta negocierii

O femeie avea un amant in timp ce sotul ei era plecat la serviciu. Intr-o zi, fiul ei de 9 ani se ascunde in sifonierul de la ea din camera. Sotul ei vine acasa pe neasteptate, asa ca ea il ascunde pe amant tot in sifonier.
Baietelul spune "E intuneric aici."
Barbatul sopteste "Da, este."
Baiatul -"Am o minge de baseball."
Barbatul -"Foarte bine."
Baiatul -"Vrei s-o cumperi?"
Barbatul -"Nu, multumesc."
Baiatul -"Tata e afara."
Barbatul -"OK, cat costa?"
Baiatul - "$250."
Peste o saptamana, cei doi nimeresc din nou impreuna in sifonier.
Baiatul -"E intuneric aici."
Barbatul -"Da, este."
Baiatul -"Am o manusa de baseball."
Barbatul -"Cat vrei pe ea?"
Baiatul -"$750."
Barbatul -"Fie."

Dupa cateva zile, tatal ii spune baiatului "Ia-ti mingea si manusa si hai afara sa jucam baseball."
Baiatul: "Nu pot. Le-am vandut."
Tatal: "Si cu cat le-ai vandut?"
Fiul: "$1000."

Tatal spune "Nu e frumos sa-ti jefuiesti prietenii asa. Le-ai vandut pentru mult mai mult. Te duc la biserica, trebuie sa te spovedesti".
Se duc la biserica si tatal il pune pe baietel sa intre in confesionar si inchide usa.
Baiatul: "E intuneric aici."
Preotul: "Iar incepi?"

Blondes leaving

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.

Fidelitate

40 years

A man and a women were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it". In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.

However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying: "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?"

The man thought for a while and said: "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: "Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

The woman was shocked, but said: "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years involved.

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later the woman asked the man: "Why do you have all That money in the box?" To which the man answered:
"Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

Incendiu in cartier

Un barbat suparat suna la pompieri ca sa raporteze un incendiu in cartier.
Operatorul il intreaba:
- Cum ajungem acolo?
Barbatul raspunde:
- Pai nu mai aveti masinile alea mari si rosii?

Bumerangul

Sta unul pe un deal cu un boomerang in mana si cu nasul plin de sange.Se apropie altul:
--Ce faci ma?
--Stau..
--Da ce ai in mana??
--Nu stiu
--Pai si de ce il tii?? Arunca-l
--Arunca-l tu...

Super tare

M-a sunat ieri o tipa: "Vino acum! Nu-i nimeni acasa."
M-am dus. Nu era nimeni!

Meserii de baza

Ce sunt parintii tai Bula?
Mama e gladiatoare si tata procuror!
- Cum asa?
- Pai mama vinde gladiole si tata le procura!

Sfarsit de mileniu

Tatal ii spune fiului: - E timpul sa te descurci singur, doar n-ai pretentia ca maica-ta sa ne intretina pe amindoi

Compunere

The class was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible
for a college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
The only one who received an A+ wrote the following: Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it.

Cadou

A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An English girl!!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?"
"What I asked for: the English girl?!?"
"Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if its a girl !!"

"Rasist"

Question : What's the difference between white fairytales and black fairytales?
Answer:
White fairy tales start, "Once upon a time...".
Black fairytales start, "Yo, you motherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Logic

Un turist se adreseaza unui taran:
- Spune, unchesule, care este cel mai rapid drum catre Bucuresti?
- Sunteti pe jos sau cu masina?
- Cu masina.
- Atunci, dupa parerea mea, cu masina...

Filozofic

Merge Kant, marele filozof, la o stana din Romania: - Pastore ancestral, ale tale sunt aceste mirifice ovine care se autofurajeaza pe acest mioritic plai? Ciobanul de pe banca, dand din cap: - Indubitabil!

Rationament logic

Un batran de 90 de ani ii spune doctorului sau: "Nu m-am simtit niciodata atat de bine. Am o mireasa de 18 ani cu care voi avea un copil. Ce ziceti de asta?"
Doctorul se gandeste un minut la intrebarea lui si apoi spune: "Am un prieten mai in varsta care este vanator si nu lipseste de la nici un sezon. Intr-o zi cand se cam grabea a luat umbrela in loc sa ia pusca. Cand a ajuns la locul de vanatoare, a vazut un iepure care statea langa un rau. Si-a ridicat umbrela, a facut 'bang, bang' si iepurele a cazut mort la pamant. Ce zici de asta?"
Batranul raspunde: "Eu as zice ca altcineva i-a omorat iepurele."
Doctorul: "Exact."

Banu e ban

Targ de porci. Toata lumea cu porcu' care mai de care mai gras shi mai frumos. Ion cu un porc slab, amarat, parca era calcat de tren. Vine unu shi-l intreaba:
- Bade, cu cat dai porcu'?
- 300 de Euro.
- 300?! da de ce-l dai asha scump?
- Pai, am nevoie de bani.

Indian talk

A man is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he comes upon a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip has been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in. During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.
"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the man, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Navajo man is silent for a while, nods several times and says, "Good trade."

Raport politienesc

Politia rutiera la locul accidentului discutand despre importanta purtarii centurii de siguranta: - Uitati-va la acest om care nu a purtat centura: cap rupt, matze pe parbriz, ochi in pomi, fara maini.... , in schimb, uitati-va la cel care a purtat centura... parca-i viu.

Discutie intre un sobolan si un hamster

A hamster and a rat were sitting on the side of a swimming pool. They were enjoying the sun.
Suddenly the rat turned to the hamster and asked him:
Dude, How come people consider me a noisance, and you a pet? How come people pay money to have you, while they are trying to kill me? How come you are considered a cute little animal, while I am considered creepy and disgusting? How come you live in a warm home, and I have to stay in the sewer?
So the hamster answered:
"It's branding, dude."

Mental Hospital Hotline Answering Machine Message

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline..."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it does not matter which number you press; no one will answer.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, and date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are blonde, please do not press any buttons; you will just mess it up

Dicutie intre 2 blonde

One blonde asks another "Which is further, London or the Moon?".
The other replies: "HELLOOOOO, can you see London from here?????!!!!!"